Behold, the KFC Double Down sandwich. It is, if you really want to know, two slabs of fried chicken intersliced with two pieces of bacon, two slabs of cheese, and the Colonel's “special sauce.” It comes in the form of a sandwich, with the fried chicken where the bread used to be. It's sort of hilarious. It's sort of perfect. And then it'll probably make you vomit….

Did you notice? How in one pseudo-food item, you are consuming not one, not two, but the mutated, chemically injected flesh/byproducts of fully three different distended, liquefied, industrially tortured creatures? Feel the love, pitiable animal kingdom.

You got your chicken-like creature, your pig-like creature, your dairy cow-like creature, all wrapped in a $5 fistful of nausea, ready to strangle your heart and benumb your brain. God knows what's in the “special sauce.” Maybe some sort of fish byproduct, just to round it all out. It's like a wild kingdom in your mouth! It's like a toxic zoo in your colon! It's like a suicide note from what is left of your brain! “If you eat this, you are a complete and total idiot, and we're through. Signed, You.”

Let us now add a shred of wary perspective. For well do I know this horrible crapbucket of chyme joins a very long index of fast-food nightmares you should never put anywhere near your mouth, unless you deeply hate yourself and don't give a damn anymore, and you want to die fat and stupid and smelling like that rotting thing you found in your rain gutter.

What's more, some fast food companies are trying, at least a little, to respond to the call for slightly healthier foods, adding salads and fruit and grilled chicken breasts to their menus, even though every single one of those items is just as jammed with chemicals, preservatives, synthetic flavorings and high-fructose corn syrup as the rest, and all the “healthy” meat products are still raised on the most execrable, environmentally rapacious industrial feedlots imaginable. But hey, it's something, right?

Further, some argue that it's a bit disingenuous to blame the junk food purveyors for all the obesity, cancer, impotence, bad skin and colonic pain in the land. After all, the undereducated masses love to eat this garbage, right? KFC test-marketed this Double Down death bomb for months, to (presumably) great effect.

Of course, it's sort of a foregone conclusion, a rigged game. This vile meatwich is crammed like a grenade with sodium, sugar, fat and chemicals. Ergo, the testers, presumably people with taste buds devastated by years of cramming similar compost into their guts, thought it was pure nirvana. And then their colons exploded.

Had KFC actually tested it on people who eat real food every day, folk who haven't touched fast food in years, whose systems are strong and fully recovered and in whose bodies blood flows unobstructed, had KFC dared any genuinely healthy human to take a bite, you can bet they would have heard, and smelled, a slightly different reaction.

Maybe it's all a silly, futile argument, a fool's game to point up the obvious evil of such products. These items are legion. They just keep right on coming. What's more, it's just capitalism at work. It's about giving the people what they want, right?

And if they do not really want it — if, deep down, most humans sense this garbage is hugely unhealthy, that it's a form of slow poison and there are far superior and wiser options out there — well, you do what companies like KFC, Coca-Cola, Kraft, McDonald's and all the rest have done since the dawn of the free market.

You convince the less educated and the gullible that they are wrong, that this crap is actually a good value for your family, nutritious and safe to feed to children, even as you manufacture all the flavors, smells and meat-like textures in a giant lab and sell truckloads of the crap to the poorer classes, until they get fat and sick and die. Meanwhile, you employ cute cartoon characters and bright, funny mascots to lure in the next generation, to keep the cycle going.

Do I have that about right, Mr. KFC exec? Did I miss anything? Can you hear me down there, what with all the flames and the screaming?

This piece was originally published at the San Francisco Chronicle's SFGate, here.

Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest work for the SF Chronicle and SFGate. Get it at daringspectacle.com or Amazon. He recently wrote about the Texas Board of Education, sex rehab, and what it's like being part of the evil liberal conspiracy. His website is markmorford.com. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention…

Cook the Book: Northern Fried Chicken

Posted by Caroline Russock, April 8, 2010 at 1:00 PM

[Photograph: Caroline Russock]

All of you fried chicken traditionalist out there take warning: This is not a typical Southern fried chicken recipe. There are ingredients and techniques within this recipe for Northern Fried Chicken from Bromberg Bros. Blue Ribbon Cookbook by Bruce Bromberg and Eric Bromberg that will go against all previous fried chicken notions.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's get down to the genius and timeliness of this recipe. In the week following Easter folks are always looking for creative uses for their leftover eggs, but this recipe addresses another holiday leftover: Passover matzo. The Bromberg Brothers' fried chicken is coated in a mix of matzo meal and flour, which gives it a crust that is worlds away from your typical fried chicken. It's lighter and crisp in a way that brings to mind a cornmeal crust. Using egg whites to adhere the coating to the chicken ensures that the crust stays put, even if your chicken sticks to the bottom of the frying pan. The last bit of atypical preparation is sprinkling the hot chicken with the Bromberg's Fried Chicken Seasoning once it comes out of the fryer. Since the coating seasoned at all, this post-fry application of the Old Bay-like spice mix is where the majority of the flavor comes from.

So, there you have it: Northern Fried Chicken thought up by two French trained Jewish boys from New Jersey. This fried chicken was like no other recipe I have ever attempted at home, or eaten out for that matter, but it was really tasty. On the scale of making fried chicken it wasn't all that time consuming since there was no need to soak or preseason. All and all, pretty good, and even when served with some honey as the Brombergs recommend.

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Northern Fried Chicken

- serves 4 -

Adapted from Bromberg Bros.Blue Ribbon Cookbook by Bruce Bromberg and Eric Bromberg.

Ingredients

6 cups soy oil
1 (3-pound) chicken, cut into 8 pieces (2 legs, 2 thighs, 4 breast pieces)
4 large egg whites, whisked
1/2 cup matzo meal
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
Perfect Roast Seasoning (recipe follows)
1 teaspoon Fried Chicken Seasoning (recipe follows)
Mexican honey (or any honey you prefer), for serving

Procedure

1. Fill a large pot with about 3 inches of oil. Heat the oil over medium-high heat until a deep-fat thermometer reads 375°F.

2. Rinse the chicken pieces and pat dry with paper towels. Place the egg whites in a large shallow bowl. In a separate shallow bowl, combine the matzo meal, flour, and baking powder. Dip each chicken piece in egg white and let excess drip back into the bowl. Next press each chicken piece into the matzo mix and tap off excess.

3. Working in 2 batches, if necessary, fry the chicken until dark golden, about 10 minutes for white meat and 13 minutes for dark meat. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate. Sprinkle immediately with the perfect roast seasoning, then coat the pieces with the fried chicken seasoning. Serve with gravy if you like, and honey, for dipping.

Perfect Roast Seasoning

- makes about 2/3 cup -

Ingredients

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons kosher salt
3 tablespoons freshly ground black pepper
1 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

Procedure

Combine the salt, pepper, and thyme, and store in a covered container.

Fried Chicken Seasoning

- makes about 3 tablespoons -

Ingredients

2 teaspoons hot paprika
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon dried parsley
1/2 teaspoon dried basil
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Procedure

Combine the paprika, salt, garlic powder, onion powder, parsley, basil, and cayenne
pepper, and store in a covered container.

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